How to Calm Conflicts Between Brothers and Sisters

Summary

    – Step 1: What not to do when you’re not fighting

    – Step 2: Defuse your children’s anger

    – Step 3: Responding to an Argument

    – Step 4: Intervene in the event of a fight

“Sibling jealousy is structuring,” said Françoise Dolto. It helps children grow, assert themselves, test their relationships with others, etc. Arguments are a school of life: later on, children who have experienced aggressiveness will know how to transform it to enter into relationships with others. So how to react in case of an argument between brothers and sisters?

1. The mistakes not to make, apart from arguments

    – Make comparisons: you risk creating rivalries or frustrating some of your children.

    – Putting your children in boxes: she is shy, he is angry, etc. They will want to be like what they are. They will want to be like what you say, and the children will use it with each other.

    – Spend more time with one child than the other: try to be fair (it is best if there is one-on-one time with each child).

    – Do not let them express themselves, especially when the feeling is negative: the child must feel listened to.

    – Arguing often with your spouse: the example to follow will be this one!

    – Do not congratulate the children: we tend to say what is wrong, but we do not verbalize what is right. Force yourself to do it!

    – Do not set rules: it must be clear, for example, that “in this house, it is forbidden to hit others”.

2. Defuse your children’s anger

Try to identify the times when arguments tend to start and make those times less likely.

For example, if arguments happen after school, it may be because your children need to “vent” their emotions from the day. Therefore, try to get them to talk about their day so that they can unload in ways other than arguing.

Each child needs time alone. If they don’t each have their room, allow them to borrow yours or the office, etc.

3. Respond to arguments

First of all, you don’t have to intervene in every argument:

    – Watch, let them work out their dispute on their own and feel when it’s time to intervene.

    – Know that if you intervene often, you will naturally become the judge of their arguments.

It is better to be a mediator. How can you do this? If you feel you need to intervene:

    – Ask each of the children involved to state the problem.

    – Acknowledge the problem by restating the different points of view.

    – Tell them that you trust them: everyone can come up with solutions to the conflict.

    – Then, let them find their solution.

    – Don’t take sides, don’t take sides, and don’t make them feel guilty.

If the arguments are recurrent and always on the same subject:

    – Call a family council. 

    – Rephrase the different children’s versions.

    – Then, ask them to come up with a solution.

    – Then suggest a meeting to discuss the problem. Everyone will speak out (including you in the following terms: I am embarrassed by…).

4. Intervene in the event of a fight

    – Describe what you see: “I see two children biting each other.

    – Immediately remind the children of the rule: “No biting in this house.

    – Separate the children so they can calm down.

    – When they have calmed down, return to the conflict as you would an argument.

 

Hope this post helps you calm conflicts between brothers and sisters. Remember to share your experience!